Helping Others Too Much Hurts Them...

Garud, Lord Vishnu’s favourite devotee, was enjoying the sound of a sparrow singing on Mount Kailas. He noticed Yamaraj looking at the bird and frowning. Worried that the bird would probably suffer the wrath of Yamaraj, Garud picked the bird up and carried it over mountains and across the 7 seas. He left it in a dense forest on a tree full of succulent fruits. When Garud returned to Mount Kailas, Yamaraj was still there, but he was smiling. Garud asked him the reason for his amusement. Yamaraj said “The sparrow was supposed to die today, but not on Mount Kailas. He was to die at the hands of a snake on a tree filled with succulent fruits in a dense forest, 7 seas away from here.”

Often we try to help people because we know what’s best for them; decisions we take for them will do them good. While the intent is noble, this doesn't generally hold true. In fact it proves detrimental to the person more often than not. Just like my mom who tried to help a pigeon which frequents our house. The pigeon was trying to break a twig from a plant in our balcony – maybe for its nest. My mom broke the twig and kept it on the ledge. The moment the pigeon tried to pick it up, the twig fell down 22 floors. The bird lost the twig and had to start from scratch.

Lessons from Garud on helping people

“But if I don’t help the person, who will?” you may ask. Most people don’t need the help we offer. What we offer is what we want them to do; what we would've done if in their shoes. But we must help, mustn't we? We aren't animals. This trait of helping is one of the aspects which separate us from animals. So how should we help someone?

The answer is – by being there. A person doesn't need hand-holding when trying something new. She needs the reassurance that someone is there to fall back on needed, and that you have faith in her abilities. This not only gives her morale a boost, but also lets her tackle situations and challenges head on with a clearer mind. She gets to learn much more than she would if you were helping her out with every aspect. What is your motive? To let her learn to handle life herself or make her depend on you for everything? Take action accordingly.

This behavior of ours is not just valid for humans, but for animals also. A friend’s pet mouse was staying at my home for a few days. He was occasionally let out of his cage to roam around. On day one, he was terrified; he refused to jump even as high as half a foot. Rather than helping him out every time, I was merely around, letting him climb on me and using my slanted feet as slopes to descend. We repeated this exercise daily. By the end of day 5, he was happily jumping sofas, tables and heights with the finesse of a gymnast. He had conquered his fear through his own actions. And yes, I’ll take some credit in saying I helped him conquer it.

We often get emotionally attached when we decide to help a person, whether we have asked for help or not. As seen in the first 2 paragraphs, helping when not asked is more damaging than helpful. If we really want to help a person or animal learn, we have to let go of emotion – we have become detached. We have to let go of the feeling that the person will not be able to survive without our help. If someone asks you advice (the best help we love to give), ask them questions and let them come up with answers themselves. Don’t get impatient and try making them understand your point of view. Letting people (and animals) learn things themselves while having the comfort that you’re around not only makes them sharper, it also increases their respect for you. What’s more, detachment will give you peace of mind. That’s something we all need today.

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The Science Behind the Art of Giving...

How Giving & Helping Others Makes Us Better Humans

Benjamin Franklin, in his autobiography, talks about an unnamed government official who pissed him off when the former won his second term as clerk. The person made no bones about the fact that he was strictly against Franklin winning, often announcing it known in public. Unfortunately, Franklin noticed, the man was a “gentleman with good education.” He would be a man of influence in the government one day. Rather than taking the fight to him, Benjamin Franklin delved into the man’s personal life and found out that he was an avid reader. Franklin asked him for a book, which he said was not easily available. The man obliged. A week later, Franklin returned the book along with a ‘Thank You’ note. The man suddenly turned into a staunch supporter of Franklin, and they remained fast friends until the former died.

While the above incident is a commonly cited example on the topic of converting foes into friends, the focus here is not on Ben Franklin – it’s on the other person. How did the man, who often publically lambasted Franklin, turn into one of his stalwarts? Was it because Franklin asked him for something? Or was it the ‘Thank You’ note? Neither. It was because he gave something that he had as sudden change of heart.

The world’s selfishness quotient seems to increase every day. Trust is dwindling, the hunger for power and dominance is on the rise; people are ready to trample others to get what they want... giving, sharing and selfless work are such rare commodities. What will we achieve by giving others when they won’t appreciate what we do? In fact, they may take us for granted and demand even more. Giving today is an art practised only by a select few.

The Art of Giving

Giving, however, is more than an art... it’s a science. Without delving into neurological studies, here’s the deal – the fact that we do things for someone we like is a misconception; it’s actually the opposite. We like people whom we do things for. Don’t believe me? Think about your daily life. Noticed how you tend to like the new recruit at office who regularly asks you for help and guidance? It’s because you’re regularly giving the new guy advice that you like him. Do you feel closer to your family when you are involved in household chores or when you’re painting the town red with friends? Do you feel a certain warmth for a stranger whom you’ve helped on the streets?

When we do something for someone (or give them something) our subconscious mind forms an opinion that the receiver is worthy of our time and effort. This makes us develop a liking for the person. Benjamin Franklin’s oppressor started liking him because he gave Franklin a book. His mind thus covertly told him that since he had made an effort for someone, that someone was a good guy.

The Bhagwad Gita talks about rendering selfless service. Now I won’t get into whether it’s good for cleansing the soul or not – each person has her own beliefs. But selfless help, giving and sharing enable one to look at her surroundings differently. She realizes that knowledge she shares isn’t reducing; it’s multiplying. We hear of people who provide water bottles to traffic constables standing in the sweltering heat; who go to slums and remote villages to distribute clothes and food, and to teach. Are they losing knowledge? Are they wasting and precious time? It may appear so to many. But those who indulge in these actions start seeing the world differently. They witness abundance; that resources like knowledge and money don’t disappear. In fact, the more they share, the more there is. They start seeing the world from an angle of compassion and empathy. When people start trusting them, they start trusting the world. They become vulnerable, and voluntarily so. They don’t mind the odd person hurting them; they focus on the greater good. Their egos take a bashing, and their self-respect is fuelled. And of course, people love them. Not just superficially but intrinsically.

So get off your chair. Turn off your TV and shut out that media which keeps talking about how bad the world has become. Stop looking at the world from the eyes of a grumpy 95 year old. You don’t need to become a social activist... just be more sensitive to people around. Don’t hesitate when someone asks for help. Do the best you can without expecting something in return. Because when you expect and you don’t get, you’re disillusioned again. There are millions out there who are trying hard to make the world a better place. Help them restore faith in mankind. You’ll suddenly see how beautiful things are, and how negativity kept you bogged down all this time.

image Courtesy: Google Images