5 Reasons Why No One Listens to You

We all have a common complaint with the world – it doesn't listen to us. Our kids, friends, parents, office colleagues – no one listens to us. But they should! They should heed every word we say. And do as we say. After all we know what’s best for them. We know the best way to do things. Right? Wrong!

The world is increasingly becoming louder. People are raising their voices to be heard over others. And you're increasingly getting stressed because people won't listen to you. But why won't they? Honestly, the problem doesn't lie with them. It lies with you.

Here are 5 basic reasons why your kids/spouse/friends/parents/office colleagues/peers won't listen to you. Tell me if you're nodding while reading even 1:

1.) You’re not saying things right: In ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, Dale Carnegie said “The only way to make someone do something is to make him want to do it.” It’s so good I’m going to repeat it: 

The only way to make someone do something is to make him want to do it. 

Try this: Stand up and tell someone “I want you to _____ (fill in the blanks with what you want done)”. On the other hand, show the person what she stands to gain from doing a task. Study your success rate in each case.

It’s obvious that the 2nd method is more successful. Everyone thinks about just 1 person – himself! Every man has just 1 thought when doing something “What will I get out of it.” So tomorrow if your child isn't listening to you, try telling him in simple language what his benefit is. Eating boring food will make him strong enough to fight the bully, behaving well will make more people like him and he will get more friends. If you want your spouse to help in house cleaning, tell him how sharing responsibilities will take his mind off work and refresh him...you get the drift. Remember, the only way someone will do something when he sees his benefit in it.

2.) You’re interfering too much: You may be a Niccolo Tesla in your field, but interfere too much in other people’s work and kiss your popularity goodbye. Meddlesome people are not appreciated, neither are they sought after. Maybe people will listen to them, but only grudgingly. They don't make true friends and followers; people who align to their way of thought, who listen to what they say and do it because they want to. They only find puppets, and after one point in time, the puppets start slowing them down.

As William McKnight, Chairman of 3M says “If you fence around people, you get sheep. Give them the room they need.” What sound advice! Let people think for themselves. Let your kids do something which isn't critical the wrong way; let your friends go to a restaurant which you've told them is not good. Let your office colleague try something different. She may show you an alternate way of doing things. Else she will learn her own lessons. And trust me, when you speak less, people listen to you more.

3.) Your concepts are not clear: People want to listen to you, but you’re not making sense. Things you are talking about are so complex that listeners have zoned out within a couple of minutes. Your concepts, beliefs and ideas are too hard to comprehend, let alone implement. Are you guilty of these aspects when you speak to someone?

Albert Einstein said “If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t understand it.” I'm going to do it again. I'm going to repeat it.

If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t understand it.

Herb Kelleher had explained the business model of Southwest Airlines to Rollin King on a napkin. When you want to explain something to someone, keep it short and simple. Tell your child or spouse what you want in simple terms briskly. Give your office colleagues a gist of your idea in less than 60 seconds. That will keep your ideas simple. Plus, the human brain comprehends simple ideas and concepts easily. That’s why Apple products are so popular… they’re clear, uncluttered and simple enough to not need a manual.

"I'm not listening to you!"

4.) You’re not listening: You’re busy fiddling with your cell phone, staring at your computer screen, fiddling with pages of a book or admiring the scene around. This makes the talker feel belittled, disrespected. So why will she listen to you? 

Studies show that the human mind mirrors what it sees. So if it sees gloom, it turns sad. If it sees happiness, it is filled with joy. Likewise, if the mind gauges that the person in front is not listening, it won’t listen either. People will give only when they get, and not vice versa. So if you want someone to listen to you, listen to them first.

5.) You’re a self professed ‘Know-It-All’: “I know what we should talk about in this meeting. Listen to me.” “I know how your friends behave on your playground. Don’t lie to me!” “I know how your boss must be. It must be your attitude because of which he troubles you.” “I know how the marketing team must function (though I’m a part of HR).” “I know how economics works (though I've never even touched the subject)”. “I know… don’t tell me.” “I know… don’t teach me.” Have you come across someone like this in your life?

If you’ve lived a normal life, you certainly have. And how do you feel when this person speaks? And maybe… just maybe… people aren't listening to you because you indulge in this yourself. The ‘I Know Everything’ attitude is the biggest recipe for disaster. Not only will you repulse people, but you will also get so neck deep in shit in life that you won’t be able to find your way out. No one knows everything. There is always someone better than you at everything you know or do.

Man or woman has rarely achieved anything without others. Man, by design, is a social animal. Dhoni achieved all he did in the cricket world because he had team members who listened to him. Even Gandhi became the Father of the Nation only after people listened to (and followed) him. If you want to discipline your kids, be popular among friends, climb up the corporate ladder or simply have a gratifying relationship, you need people to listen to you. Nelson Mandela, Benjamin Franklin, Martin Luther King Jr. – they've understood and abided by this ultimate truth. It’s time we did too!

What are other reasons because of which people may not listen to you? Do share your thoughts in comments.

image Courtesy: Google Images

Please... Just Listen!

During days of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln, the then President of USA and master at managing people, called upon an old friend from Illinois. Lincoln invited the friend to the White House, stating he wanted to discuss some problems with him. When the friend arrived, Lincoln spoke to him for hours about the proclamation of freeing slaves. He went over arguments, pros and cons and read articles aloud. After talking for hours, he shook the neighbour’s hand and sent him back without asking for his opinion. “He seemed freer after the talk”, the friend said. Lincoln didn’t want advice; he merely wanted a friendly listener whom he could unload on.

Not just Abraham Lincoln, all of us want someone who listens; not just hears, but listens. Hearing is generally without interest in what the person says. We could be preparing a response, waiting for an opportunity to intercept the speaker, start off with our own views or be distracted by something happening in our lives we consider more important. Listening, on the other hand, involves paying attention to the speaker (could be a friend, colleague, family member, orator), understanding, acknowledging and responding accordingly, if needed.

Yes, we all want to respond, to advise... we love using the phrases “I Think”, “According to me”, “I would suggest”... The fact, however, is that the other person doesn’t want to know what we think. Every person speaking to us is not asking for advice. Often the speaker is merely looking for someone to listen to her/him quietly. S/he merely wants to feel lighter, respected, comfortable. Should we impose our thoughts upon someone? Do we want to bore people with talks about how we would have handled things? Are we pompous brats so full of ourselves that no one else is significant enough?

"Listen to me!"

Dale Carnegie, author of the book ‘How to Win Friends & Influence People’ has written: If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence. Do you know people like that? I do, unfortunately; and the astonishing part of it is that some of them are prominent.

There indeed are many people of the self-obsessed kind in the world; probably more than 90% of the population. Would you like to speak to someone with such traits? If no, doesn’t it make sense that you should first be a good listener to expect similar treatment? If yes, try these:

• Stop whatever you’re doing. People don’t appreciate speaking to someone who’s doing something alongside; the listener seems disinterested. And it’s rude.
• Quit suggesting what you would’ve done. Avoid even thinking “Here’s what I think...” Quit thinking that you know what’s best for the person, because you don’t! Stop believing that your way is the best way of solving a problem.
• Lean forward and pay attention. Keep quiet. Let your mind open up to what the person is saying. Remember, the person wants you to listen. It is her time to speak.
• Absorb what the person says. Understand where s/he is coming from. Accept the fact that the person thinks different and is in a different situation. If all of us were the same, the world would be a boring and dull place.

Listening to people broadens our horizons. We understand mentalities, psychologies, perspectives and mindsets. We can predict the person’s behaviour to an extent, leading to healthier relationships. Insights in their lives and thoughts build stronger bonds between us. Plus, since we’ve paid attention and helped someone unburden themselves, we win another friend; a friend who will mostly be there when we need one.

Open you mind, not your mouth. The former almost never gets you in trouble.