The 1 Question That Matters Most...

As a kid, I loved sweets – especially kulfi. When I was 7, I attended a wedding where the kulfi was really tasty. I didn't stop at 1 plate. As I helped myself to a 3^rd, my mom scornfully looked at me and said “Don’t eat so much.” “Why?” I asked. “Because it’s bad manners.” Being a typical 7-year old, I ignored her, finished my plate and took another one. My dad, who presumably had been watching my gluttonery, asked me “How many plates of kulfi would you order if you invited 100 people to a wedding?” “100”, I said, stout chested, proud of my maths. “And how many people will get to kulfi if you eat 4 plates?” he questioned. “96.” Suddenly I started feeling bad. “So 4 people at this wedding will not get to eat kulfi. If you really want, I’ll buy you your favourite ice cream after we leave from here”. I readily agreed. This 7 year old had no problems with the answer his father gave for his question – Why?

Our thoughts, behaviours and actions stem from a single question – Why? This question arises from the most ancient part of our brain – the amygdala. What we do and how we do it are results of the answers and are formed in the neo-cortex, the more recently developed lobe in our brain.

Whatever we may say, there always is an eventual reason for our actions. The reason why one buys a Blackberry shirt goes beyond a simple “because it’s good.” It’s because he’s asked himself why he should buy the shirt and his brain responded by saying that it fits him well and makes him look good. The quality and colour are secondary. The buyer buys it because his “Why” has been answered, though he may not fully be aware of it. Successful marketers and companies selling stuff stimulate our amygdala; they create an emotional bond with us. They give us a reason to buy from them. Simon Sinek, in the video below, explains why Apple is such a thriving company while competition is always playing catch up.

Wasn't it awesome? People don’t buy what you do; they buy why you do it. Which probably explains why Steve Jobs was so kick ass. By the time he was 25, he was worth $100 million. But it didn't matter to him. Why? Because he wanted to put a dent in the universe, not just make money. Martin Luther King’s & Gandhi’s ‘Why’ got them millions of followers. Why do people follow a good leader? Again, it’s beyond the “she’s a great person” dialogue. It’s because she inspires them, makes them feel good and cared for. The same concept goes for why a person may be despised.

So remember, if you want your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or peers to do something or desist from it, you have to address their main question – Why? Why should they do what you say; what’s in it for them? If you’re a parent or a manager, this becomes even more important. You want your children and/or subordinates to look up to you, right? So, if you want to bring about a change, you must address their “Why”. Like my dad did. The “because I said so” techniques won’t get you far. Then again, the question is – Why do you want your bidding done? For your good, or for theirs?

Forget the world, look at yourself. Why do you start a venture? Is it merely to make money or because you see a need in society which you can fulfill  If it’s the former, you almost certainly will fail. Why do you want to become a musician? Is it because you want to make beautiful music or just get laid? If it’s the latter, you may score the odd college-going girl, but you’ll never be a good musician. Why do you blog? Is it just to get hits or because you genuinely want to tell people something? If it’s just the former, your quality will barely improve. And while you may attract traffic through various sources, you barely will have any quality in that either. Why are you helping someone? Is it because you expect them to help you in return or is it just a selfless act? Once again, if it’s the former, you’re most certainly bound to get hurt if they don’t reciprocate.

It’s the thought and not merely the action that helps you achieve excellence and nobility. We live in a world where we’re judged every day. Plus, as Captain Jack Sparrow says “The world is the same. There’s just less in it.” We keep reading and hearing appalling news each day that shakes our faith just that little bit more. Staying noble and true to your values becomes difficult, but not impossible. Ask yourself the question ‘Why’ before you do something. Keep your intentions clean and your actions will follow suit. Your character will form your reputation and not vice versa. Live like all your actions will appear on the front page of the newspapers. For all you know, someday they will.

5 Reasons Why No One Listens to You

We all have a common complaint with the world – it doesn't listen to us. Our kids, friends, parents, office colleagues – no one listens to us. But they should! They should heed every word we say. And do as we say. After all we know what’s best for them. We know the best way to do things. Right? Wrong!

The world is increasingly becoming louder. People are raising their voices to be heard over others. And you're increasingly getting stressed because people won't listen to you. But why won't they? Honestly, the problem doesn't lie with them. It lies with you.

Here are 5 basic reasons why your kids/spouse/friends/parents/office colleagues/peers won't listen to you. Tell me if you're nodding while reading even 1:

1.) You’re not saying things right: In ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’, Dale Carnegie said “The only way to make someone do something is to make him want to do it.” It’s so good I’m going to repeat it: 

The only way to make someone do something is to make him want to do it. 

Try this: Stand up and tell someone “I want you to _____ (fill in the blanks with what you want done)”. On the other hand, show the person what she stands to gain from doing a task. Study your success rate in each case.

It’s obvious that the 2nd method is more successful. Everyone thinks about just 1 person – himself! Every man has just 1 thought when doing something “What will I get out of it.” So tomorrow if your child isn't listening to you, try telling him in simple language what his benefit is. Eating boring food will make him strong enough to fight the bully, behaving well will make more people like him and he will get more friends. If you want your spouse to help in house cleaning, tell him how sharing responsibilities will take his mind off work and refresh him...you get the drift. Remember, the only way someone will do something when he sees his benefit in it.

2.) You’re interfering too much: You may be a Niccolo Tesla in your field, but interfere too much in other people’s work and kiss your popularity goodbye. Meddlesome people are not appreciated, neither are they sought after. Maybe people will listen to them, but only grudgingly. They don't make true friends and followers; people who align to their way of thought, who listen to what they say and do it because they want to. They only find puppets, and after one point in time, the puppets start slowing them down.

As William McKnight, Chairman of 3M says “If you fence around people, you get sheep. Give them the room they need.” What sound advice! Let people think for themselves. Let your kids do something which isn't critical the wrong way; let your friends go to a restaurant which you've told them is not good. Let your office colleague try something different. She may show you an alternate way of doing things. Else she will learn her own lessons. And trust me, when you speak less, people listen to you more.

3.) Your concepts are not clear: People want to listen to you, but you’re not making sense. Things you are talking about are so complex that listeners have zoned out within a couple of minutes. Your concepts, beliefs and ideas are too hard to comprehend, let alone implement. Are you guilty of these aspects when you speak to someone?

Albert Einstein said “If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t understand it.” I'm going to do it again. I'm going to repeat it.

If you can’t explain something simply, you don’t understand it.

Herb Kelleher had explained the business model of Southwest Airlines to Rollin King on a napkin. When you want to explain something to someone, keep it short and simple. Tell your child or spouse what you want in simple terms briskly. Give your office colleagues a gist of your idea in less than 60 seconds. That will keep your ideas simple. Plus, the human brain comprehends simple ideas and concepts easily. That’s why Apple products are so popular… they’re clear, uncluttered and simple enough to not need a manual.

"I'm not listening to you!"

4.) You’re not listening: You’re busy fiddling with your cell phone, staring at your computer screen, fiddling with pages of a book or admiring the scene around. This makes the talker feel belittled, disrespected. So why will she listen to you? 

Studies show that the human mind mirrors what it sees. So if it sees gloom, it turns sad. If it sees happiness, it is filled with joy. Likewise, if the mind gauges that the person in front is not listening, it won’t listen either. People will give only when they get, and not vice versa. So if you want someone to listen to you, listen to them first.

5.) You’re a self professed ‘Know-It-All’: “I know what we should talk about in this meeting. Listen to me.” “I know how your friends behave on your playground. Don’t lie to me!” “I know how your boss must be. It must be your attitude because of which he troubles you.” “I know how the marketing team must function (though I’m a part of HR).” “I know how economics works (though I've never even touched the subject)”. “I know… don’t tell me.” “I know… don’t teach me.” Have you come across someone like this in your life?

If you’ve lived a normal life, you certainly have. And how do you feel when this person speaks? And maybe… just maybe… people aren't listening to you because you indulge in this yourself. The ‘I Know Everything’ attitude is the biggest recipe for disaster. Not only will you repulse people, but you will also get so neck deep in shit in life that you won’t be able to find your way out. No one knows everything. There is always someone better than you at everything you know or do.

Man or woman has rarely achieved anything without others. Man, by design, is a social animal. Dhoni achieved all he did in the cricket world because he had team members who listened to him. Even Gandhi became the Father of the Nation only after people listened to (and followed) him. If you want to discipline your kids, be popular among friends, climb up the corporate ladder or simply have a gratifying relationship, you need people to listen to you. Nelson Mandela, Benjamin Franklin, Martin Luther King Jr. – they've understood and abided by this ultimate truth. It’s time we did too!

What are other reasons because of which people may not listen to you? Do share your thoughts in comments.

image Courtesy: Google Images

How To Become Indispensable?

So what makes you invaluable in today’s times? Most of us are involved in the routine office – work, job – hopping, spending whatever time we get at home and then repeating all activities. Many get frustrated with this life, start up a new venture and shut it down within a few years. So where are YOU headed?

Seth Godin, in his book Linchpin, says “You are not doing enough to stand out if you still have to make a résumé.” Well, that’s easier said than done, right? Not so, says Godin. He believes that in order to become indispensable (rather than just a cog in a machine) you can do things which cannot be measured by a price.

Compare Google & Apple. People drool over Apple because of their amazing gadgets and products. But guess which is the home site on Safari on a MacBook or an iPad? Bright chances are it’s Google. Apple evangelists (and I know there are many of them) will crib and wail if the company shuts down. But Google will take the whole internet world with it if decides to close.

What we buy from Apple can be compared to the price we pay. But we possibly cannot quantify what Google gives us. Why? You know the answer.

The same holds true for people who diligently work towards betterment of society & the environment. Mumbai Dabawallahs, bus & train motormen, free photo providers on the net, SACHIN TENDULKAR… What’s common in all of them? We cannot quantify the work they do and relate it to a price. These people are doing much more than we would expect and can imagine. They’re doing things virtually impossible to link to a price. How we can repay them pales in comparison to what they give us.

So if you want to be indispensable, share your knowledge and efficiency with people. Do something which they cannot repay you for! Publish free eBooks, become a gateway to knowledge without any riders, reach out and do more for people (clients, customers, company, society, team) without expecting something in return. THAT is what makes you a linchpin… THAT makes you unique… THAT wins you more friends and hits on your site… THAT makes you different in today’s world!